The Reason I Survive
by Adeline
Summary: Carter's doing well in rehab when he gets an unexpected phone call (written in Sept. 2000)
1. Default Chapter Title

-The reason I survive - JC/AD

TIMELINE: Post season 6.

SUMMARY: Carter's doing well in rehab, when he gets an unexpected phone-call.

FEEDBACK: I'd love to get feedback. Criticism, advice, praiseg … This is my first real ER fic, so, I'd love to know what you think. So…please review! J

DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd like to, I don't own any of the mentioned characters. They are the property of Michael Crichton, John Wells, Jack Orman, Warner Brothers, Amblin Entertainment, NBC… and pretty much everyone besides me. =( Song used is 'Shimmer' by Fuel and I don't own it either.

PART1

ring, ring 

A cellular phone went off, and the head nurse of the Atlanta Drugs Addiction Rehabilitation Center reached in a drawer and searched through several mobiles before getting the right one. That of John Truman Carter, read the small label on it. She picked up.

'Hello?' 

At the sound of the old woman's voice, what sounded like a young woman apologized nervously.

'Oh, sorry, I-uh, I must've reached a wrong number…'

The nurse cut her off.

'John is currently attending a group session. I recommend you to call after eight, or, leave him a message.'

'Session?' asked the young voice, genuinely surprised. Composing herself, she finally said 'Well, uh, could you please tell him Anna called? And, uh… I'll call back later.'

'All right. B-'

She'd already hung up.

'Ahh, kids!' muttered the nurse to herself.

--

John was in rehab?? Anna couldn't believe it! What could it possibly be for? John wouldn't… or would he? No, it couldn't be possible. And yet it was… God! It was! What would he think of her, now, calling him out of the blue like that? Now he was in a much worse place than she. What had she been thinking?! Like he would listen to her ramble on about how miserable she thought her life was after such long silence! 

But she'd gone too far to go back now. She had to call again…

--

'Anna?? Are you sure?'

John couldn't believe his ears…

'I am sure' nodded the head nurse. 'Now go, and be thankful I trust you, as I'm not supposed to hand you your phone' she added in a low tone.

'Thanks, Ronnie.'

He grabbed his phone and walked away, as a thousand emotions flowed over him. That's one call he sure would wait anxiously! What would he tell her? And how would he explain himself?

-

she calls me from the cold

just when i was low

feeling short of stable

-

Or should he? Did he really owe her any sort of explanation? He wasn't too sure anymore. *She* left him without warning! Never called! Never wrote! What could she be calling for now? And what was she expecting?

-

all that she intends

and all she keeps inside

isn't on the label

-

The tiny little black thing in his hand started making noise, and he instantly picked up.

'John Carter'

'Hi'

It was her. 

What was he supposed to say? He hadn't spoken to her in years! He didn't have to ponder long over that, as she spoke up first.

'Look, I know we haven't talked in long, and I regret and… and I probably shouldn't have called, I had no idea you were in rehab, but I… I thought I might need a friend right now… and, I'm sorry'

John was at a loss for words and Anna was afraid of what he would say. When no response came, she decided to take the first step.

'Can we meet some time soon?' 

It had taken her quite a lot of courage to ask that question she knew came out of nowhere. She held her breath waiting for what John had to say.

-

she says she's ashamed

can she take me for a while

can i be a friend

we'll forget the past

but maybe i'm not able

-

He didn't speak a word. Too busy thinking, staring into space. Instead, he just hung up on her.

--

Anna let out a sigh of defeat. She hated herself so much for putting Carter through this. He possibly was the only person in the world she still cared about. And yet she had to hurt him… 

For a second she thought there was no way anything would ever be the same as before and she'd better stop causing him pain if all hope was really gone, but she soon dismissed it, as another thought dawned on her, that he would hurt even more if she just gave up and never called again, and she couldn't stand the idea. Once again, she would dial his oh-so familiar number…

--

John was deep in thought. Why had she called? And why now of all times, when she hadn't called in years? He didn't think hearing her voice would hit so hard. He wanted to tell her he was happy she called, and he'd forgiven and forgotten, but the thing is he wasn't sure he actually had. She'd hurt him pretty bad before. 

He still vividly remembered the day she arrived, that very same day she came into his life and rocked his world. Everything was always alright by her side. He smiled at the thought. And he remembered the day Max came along and took her away from him, further away with every minute of every hour of every lonely day. And the day she stopped to call, that very same day she broke his heart. Now she called again, and John was as helpless as in the past, for he had no idea what to say or do. And again, his phone rang. Should he pick up, or let it ring? His head was saying no, she'd already had her chance. But deep down, he knew he wanted to. He knew he would hurt somehow either way, but one would maybe turn out worthwhile, and he knew which. And most importantly, his heart kept telling him to pick up.

-

and i break at the bend

-

And he did.

'Anna?'

* * *

to be continued…


	2. Default Chapter Title

-The reason I survive - JC/AD

TIMELINE: Post season 6.

SUMMARY: Carter's doing well in rehab, when he gets an unexpected phone-call.

FEEDBACK: I'd love to get feedback. Criticism, advice, praiseg … This is my first real ER fic, so, I'd love to know what you think. So…please review! J

DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd like to, I don't own any of the mentioned characters. They are the property of Michael Crichton, John Wells, Jack Orman, Warner Brothers, Amblin Entertainment, NBC… and pretty much everyone besides me. =(

PART 2

'Anna?'

'Who else?' she almost chuckled, in remembrance of the days they used to joke around each other all the time.

John started to apologize for his earlier behavior.

'Look, I'm sorry I hung up on you before, but-'

Anna cut him and nodded understandingly as if he could see her.

'I know'

'You have to understand it's not easy for me, to...' The words didn't come as easy as he wished they would. But he continued. 'I'm sorry it's – it's just so unexpected! I...'

'No Carter, *I'm* sorry. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not your fault I treated you the way I did...' Her voice was trembling now, as the fear of losing him once more hit her harder, and her eyes dwelled up. 'I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me, I...' 

John heard the sadness in her tone and interrupted her.

'Hey!' he said softly 'I... I'm glad you called.' 

He wasn't sure himself how truthful this last statement was, but he hated to hear her cry, and as he said it, it didn't for one second feel like a lie. He went on. 

'Just a bit... shaken about it, but... I really am glad.' This time he knew. It was his heart speaking. 'And I know I've been a bit harsh, but I've been through quite a lot lately, but...' 

He trailed off. He was about to say none of his problems had anything to do with her, but it didn't feel so right suddenly...

Meanwhile Anna was listening to him. She'd forgotten how soothing his voice had always been to her ears. And still was. And she remembered how much she missed him. He was glad she called! But he hadn't taken her up on her earlier offer to meet... She realized he'd gone silent and replied.

'I understand. I-I've been through some tough times too...'

'You have?' He sounded a bit surprised.

'Yeah, umm... Okay, uh...' 

She was a bit uneasy about telling him about her issues, and didn't know where to start. But this was Carter she was talking to, and she'd always been able to tell him everything. So she awkwardly started...

'You know those days, when you feel like your life is falling apart?'

John knew those all too well, but didn't want to interrupt. 'Mm-hmm'

'Well, uh... it seems like a lot days have felt this way for me and... And somewhere down the road you... You start to realize that, there's just... nothing left in your life to fall apart, you know?'

John was amazed. It sounded like she was telling him about his own life! 

'H-how did it get there?' 

He wasn't so much curious as he wanted to try and help her. As the friend he'd always been. Funny how he thought of it. *He* of all people out there --and out of rehab facilities-- wanted to help her!

'Well I, uh... I don't feel quite comfortable talking about this over the phone...' 

She wasn't lying, or using it as an excuse to pop the question, but deep down she was hoping he would suggest they get together in the near future.

--

Uh-oh, he'd put his foot in his mouth, here. Although, he *did* at that point feel pretty comfortable talking with her, and he *did* want to hear her story. But... 

He hadn't told her what *his* life had been like since she left, and after what they'd been through with Chase he kind of apprehended doing so... Oh, but he so wanted to share his problems with someone. He so *needed* to. And he knew she was the only person in the world he could possibly ever open his heart to. But above all, and as much as he would apprehend it, he'd never wanted anything more than he wanted to see her again.

So he took a deep breath in, and spoke slowly.

'Whereabouts are you at the moment?'

Anna knew what this question really meant the second he spoke it and her heart skipped a beat at the sound of it. She was now smiling from ear to ear. So he eventually *did* want to see her!

'On a plane to Chicago...' she replied.

John stifled a chuckle. 'You're kidding me!'

'Nope.'

'I'm so sorry, I'm in Atlanta!' he said in slight disbelief.

'Yeah, I... talked to Ronnie.'

'Oh...' He felt a little awkward, but went on. 'So, you know I can't fly outta here.'

'I'm boarding the first plane to Georgia as soon as I get off this one!'

'Thank you'

'You're welcome John, you're welcome...'

'Call when you get here, okay?'

'I promise'

--

The conversation ended, leaving them both with huge smiles on their faces, and feeling so much better than an hour before. John still couldn't believe they were going to meet again. Their conversation had almost felt like they'd never lost touch. But they'd had, and John couldn't help feeling nervous waiting for Anna's call. Almost like a teenager before his very first date... 

It wouldn't be easy dealing with so much stress without any... 'help,' tonight, and he knew it. But he would hold on... He had to. 

He thought a lot in those long hours waiting. Where would he and Anna meet? He sure didn't want her to see him there, and he wanted some privacy. And he'd have to be back at 11. That was early, he thought, and wouldn't leave them much time to talk about all they had to... What would he wear? Would the khakis and black tee-shirt he was wearing right now be okay? Of course not, he scolded himself! He hadn't seen Anna in two years! Two years, for crying out loud!

Gosh, he had to stop worrying so much, and think of something else! Maybe go for a walk? He looked out the window. It was raining hard and the wind was blowing. Jesus, *two* *years*...

He stared into the rain and the hours passed. 

Still nothing.

--

A strident beeping noise cut through the silence of John's room. Half-asleep, he searched around his waist looking for his beeper, before realizing he didn't have it. D'uh, he wasn't even in Chicago, or near any other hospital! It was his cell-phone of course. He rubbed his left eye sleepily, and glanced at the alarm-clock on his nightstand. 4.38 AM. He'd been stood up! 

Stood. 

Up. 

He looked at the source of all noises lying next to it. And now what should he do? Should he just pick up, or watch the ringing object tremble and get closer to the edge of the nightstand with each vibration of the ringings till it fell? 

Pick up, or let fall? 

…

* * *

to be continued…


	3. Default Chapter Title

-The reason I survive - JC/AD

TIMELINE: Post season 6.

FEEDBACK: I'd love to get feedback. Criticism, advice, praiseg … This is my first real ER fic, so, I'd love to know what you think. So….please review! J

DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd like to, I don't own any of the mentioned characters. They are the property of Michael Crichton, John Wells, Jack Orman, Warner Brothers, Amblin Entertainment, NBC… and pretty much everyone besides me. =(

PART 3

Pick up, or let fall? 

...

Well, pick up of course! What a question! Carter couldn't believe he'd even consider not answering. He crawled out of the daze he was in, between sleeping and waking, and reached for his phone.

'John Carter' he said in a sleepy voice.

'Hey, sleepyhead' cheered Anna 'And, sorry, didn't mean to wake you.'

'Well I'm only human, I need sleep. What took you so long anyway?'

'My plane got delayed 'cause of damn weather conditions, but um...'

There was a knock on Carter's door.

'Wait a second' he excused himself, 'there's someone at the door.'

He opened it, and there she was, all smiles, standing before him. He stopped dead in his tracks and dropped his phone on the carpeted floor.

'...I'm here!'

She instantly dropped her duffel bag and pulled Carter into a hug. She was holding him like she'd never let him go. She'd missed him so much! His touch, his embrace, his scent... everything. All those tiny insignificant details that take more importance with every second spent apart from the other. And as tears threatened to start rolling she tightened her fist around her mobile as if to hold them back.

John had trouble believing his own eyes, and his heart was beating so fast he could easily forget to breathe. He didn't expect to see her there, and then, but he wouldn't change one bit of this moment for the world. It had been so long since he'd felt this good... In fact, he didn't recall having *ever* felt such joy. Was it the surprise, the relief, or sheer happiness? Oh, hell, what difference? He was too glad to think properly anyway.

A stranger would have thought they were a couple, seeing them like that, and they sure did look as close as one.

'Jesus, Anna... I've missed you so much!' whispered Carter to her ear.

'I know...' Her emotions got the better of her as she let a couple of tears stream down her cheeks. 'And I've missed you too...'

John gently broke the hug and explored her face as if to engrave her every feature forever in his memory. 

He wiped her tears away and asked softly 'So, how are you?'

'So much better now that I'm here!'

John looked down. 'Yeah, I... wish you wouldn't have seen me here...' he mumbled.

'Oh, it's okay, John...' Anna started comprehensively.

But he didn't want to talk about it. Not now, anyway.

So, he changed topics. 'Let's get you and your bag out of the hall before someone sees us, come on in...' 

And as he spoke the words he grabbed Anna's bag and took it inside his room before carefully closing the door so it wouldn't make too much noise.

He turned around to see her stifle a yawn.

'Long night, huh?'

'Yeah, sorry' she apologized.

'Eh, it's okay. I have to be up at 9 tomorrow anyway, we can talk later. And uh... you can take the bed, I'll sleep on the floor' he offered.

'Oh, I wouldn't want to dis-' she started

'Sure! You've been on a plane the whole night, now get some decent rest!' commanded Carter jokingly.

'Yes, sir!' Anna chuckled. 'Sleeping bag?'

'Yeah I could use one!'

-

Five minutes later, they both lay there awake thinking through the events of the day. If anyone had told John Carter ten hours ago that he would be reunited with Anna Del Amico that same night, he would have laughed at their face. But there they were, breathing the same air, in the same room, in the same city, when neither of them would have thought it possible. 

Anna was just thankful she'd found him, and he'd been so kind to her. She'd feared he would reject her upon arrival and throw in her face all the things she'd done to him that probably hurt him more than she would ever know. But none of it had happened. Instead she found the ever-so-caring kind-hearted man she remembered from just two years ago. No bitterness. No hatred. Only the immense genuineness he'd always showed toward her. 

Carter was so glad that Anna was there, maybe even happy. Of course they'd have to talk about certain things in the morning, but he wasn't afraid of the truth as it was anymore. He knew he could tell her anything without having to feel ashamed. During all that time she was gone he'd almost forgotten how easy to talk to she'd always been. And of course he got hurt when she left, and maybe somehow that's where all his troubles originated from, but now she was here, and it was like none of it mattered anymore. And he perfectly knew there was no way anything could ever be taken back, but he forgave. Or at least he wanted to believe he did.

There both their minds found the peacefulness they'd been missing and longing for over the past few months, and sleep could come easy...

-

'John? John?' Anna called. No response. 'CARTER!'

'What??!' John immediately leapt up.

'You snore!' chided Anna throwing a pillow at him.

'Do not!' he protested.

'Yuh-uh... Anyway,' she started awkwardly 'it's 8.30 and, you said you had to be up at 9, so...'

'So you figured you'd take my sleepy mind off my rosy dreams.'

'Sorry'

'Nah, just kidding, thanks' he said as he got out from Anna's sleeping bag. 'Slept well?'

'Like a baby.' She smiled.

'Okay, good' He nervously scratched the back of his head. 'I'd offer you breakfast but, uh...'

'It's okay' Anna nodded.

'And uh... You better stay in here till around lunch time. The halls are pretty much deserted then, and you don't wanna be seen...' he explained.

'No prob...' she nodded again.

She wasn't sure now was the right time to ask the following question, but they'd have to talk about their respective issues some time anyway, so she did.

'So, umm, you're almost finished here?'

'Yeah, just another three weeks and I'm out.'

'Oh, good. I figured so...'

John looked at her, surprised. 'You figured so?'

Anna avoided his eyes and fiddled with her hands nervously. 'Yeah, 'cause... you start the sessions at 9, and beginners start at 7...'

John wasn't thinking straight, what she had just said had almost shocked him, and he was at a loss for words, so he just sighed in disbelief.

Anna took a deep breath in and looked up straight in his eyes.

'I...I know this place, John...'

* * *

To be continued…


	4. Default Chapter Title

-The reason I survive - JC/AD

TIMELINE: Post season 6.

FEEDBACK: I'd love to get feedback. Criticism, advice, praiseg … This is my first real ER fic, so, I'd love to know what you think. So…please review! J

DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd like to, I don't own any of the mentioned characters. They are the property of Michael Crichton, John Wells, Jack Orman, Warner Brothers, Amblin Entertainment, NBC… and pretty much everyone besides me. =( Song used is 'In Your Life' by Day One and I don't own it either.

PART 4

'I...I know this place, John...'

John had to sit down. Since no chair was around, he made a few steps over to the bed on let himself fall on top of the crumbled covers.

'Y-you...you what? How??'

Seeing how utterly shocked she had made him, Anna soon regretted bringing up the subject at this time.

'Well, you remember how I mentioned issues? Well uh... people whose lives are all perfectly perfect don't end up here in rehab, do they?' she said fiddling with her moist hands.

'Jesus Christ!...'

John was wowed. What could have brought Anna so far down she would abuse drugs?? He was dying to know, but this moment wasn't exactly the best to discuss the topic; he had to be downstairs in twenty minutes.

'Yep' she uttered, looking down at her feet.

'Ok, look, I have to do quickly, my session starts in no time, but we'll talk when I get back, alright?'

'Okay...' agreed Anna quietly.

Carter headed into the shower, and Anna sat by the window, watching the rain fall. Normally, they would've have spoken all the while John was in the bathroom. They would've have joked at John's singing, or she would have got annoyed at how long he used the bathroom for. But instead, they both kept silent.

Damn weather, thought Anna. This is July, for God's sake! It's supposed to be beautiful; this isn't Seattle! 

But maybe it wasn't the weather that made her so bitter, maybe it wasn't the city it was raining on. Maybe simply, the sky was raining all the tears she was afraid to cry. And she didn't *want* to have any tears to cry. After all, she had no reason to. She'd just been reunited with her long lost best friend, what was to be sad about? She suddenly snapped out of her own thoughts. Who was she fooling, trying to be a stronger person than she actually was? Not John, surely. So where was the use in that masquerade? She couldn't hide from herself that she was weak for much longer. What was really making her so sad was that even though Carter was in the next room, it still felt like they were lightyears apart. And even though she could tell him whatever went through her head, it didn't feel like it once used to. Even though she loved being around him, she would not allow her skin to feel warm under his touch. But the saddest was that she herself didn't even know why. Maybe she was having one of those depressions again... It sure felt like it, and she was kicking herself for it. She was determined to not let any states of mind get in the way of Carter and her. 

Anna heard the water stop running and, once again, snapped out of her thoughts. A few minutes later, John came out of the bathroom, looking as gorgeous as ever, his messy hair still wet. Just the sight of him made Anna feel slightly better, although still not quite as good as she wished she would. Ah, well, she'd probably feel better after they talk things over.

'Alright,' John spoke while tying his shoes 'I gotta go now, there's towels beside the sink if-' he looked up at Anna and immediately sensed something was wrong. So he asked, concerned. 'Hey...what's wrong?'

'Oh nothing,' lied Anna 'You know, little this, little that... I'll be fine!'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah, yeah, now go, you're gonna be late'

Maybe she seemed too rushed, because he saw right through her.

'You're not feeling so well, are you?'

Or maybe he just read her like a book. It's funny how well people can get to know you and you don't even realize it.

'I can't fool you' she admitted. 'I guess I'll just feel better when I've taken off my chest some stuff I... need to talk about.'

'Okay, well, don't mope around too much while I'm gone, I'll be back around 10.30 and we'll talk then'

'Okay, see you later'

She expected him to get out but he kept staring at her and didn't move until she managed a small smile.

'I'll be okay, Carter!'

'Good' he smiled back. 'Bye then'

He exited the room and Anna kept that feeble smile on her face for a while. John was so cute, always looking after her, making sure she'd be alright. Still the same old John Truman Carter, III. He'd always been able to put a smile on her face, anytime, anyplace. And that day she was delighted to see he still had that ability on her. Feeling a little better, she decided to take a nap as the night had been long and she hadn't slept much. She lay on the bed and took a look at the window one last time before closing her eyes. The rain had stopped and the sun was shining again, drawing a beautiful rainbow across a lightly clouded sky.

--

give me a smile

things aren't that bad, are they

gonna take a while

but we can get this right some way

--

Downstairs in the conference room, John was trying to concentrate on his surroundings and the speeches the others produced, but all he could think of was Anna and how surprised he'd been the previous night when Ronnie handed him his phone saying she would call back, how dumbfounded and glad he'd been upon seeing her at his door, how... Just how lucky he was that she would be there for him through these three last weeks he had to spend at the center. He'd been doing quite well, lately, but the minute he heard Anna's name in Ronnie mouth, he was afraid things would turn bad; the last thing he needed was a play with his emotions. Well, so much for his worries, she was there now.

'John, it's your turn, pal' A slightly overweight man in his forties stepped off the front platform.

But John wasn't paying much attention. 

'Hey, John!' He felt a hand on his shoulder 'it's your turn to go up there.'

'Oh right, thanks.' He stood up and made his way to the rostrum. Seeing as he hadn't listened to one word his therapy-mates had spoken, he had no idea what to talk them about. So, when he found himself standing against thirty-eight eyes and a microphone, he spoke the words as they popped up in his head.

'Hi...' He cleared his throat 'Uh... I can't really tell you guys I've paid much attention to what any of you said, 'cause, well, the fact is I haven't. Sorry.' So far so good, he thought. So what next? 

'And the reason to that, is because I've been thinking about something else – someone, actually. She's been working with me for a year, back in Chicago, and, during that time, we've become very close and she was very dear to me. Whatever I did, my thoughts were always with her. I cared about her more than friends do, more than brothers do. I cared about her more than I cared about myself. And maybe I loved her. But when I tried to find out, what I actually found was that she didn't love me. At least not the way I hoped she would. Turns out she had a boyfriend in Philadelphia she'd not really come to terms with and needed to sort out her feelings for...' 

He wasn't sure why he was telling all those strangers something so personal, but decided to go on anyway. 

'Yeah, that guy Max... and one day he showed up and, well, they "sorted things out" – she went back to him. I was... I was devastated. But I kept it in, lived in denial and, well... a whole lot of shit ensued...' 

He paused. 

'Recently I considered the possibility that she might be *the* reason, you know, the – the point in my life all my troubles originated from... Or maybe I just cared too much, too fast...' 

He still didn't know why he kept on telling them that story. Perhaps there were things he was afraid of admitting to himself that he could admit to them. 

-

She stretched her arms and slowly opened her brown eyes. Oh, no. There it was again. Yep, definitely a depression. Boy, did she hate those! Little nothings could make her cry when she was depressed, and she hated to. But so it was. She'd gotten pretty used to it by now, with those times she felt glued to rock bottom striking every so often, but it always felt as bad and kept getting worse every time... Dammit, those weren't supposed to happen anymore! She had what she wanted, she was with John, for Heaven's sake! 

Well, as much as she wanted to, she couldn't stay in bed forever. She got up and headed for a shower, but not without glancing at the weather. Gosh, it *had* become a habit! The sun was still there. Even the clouds had lifted to let her see a bright blue sky. But down on earth the paths and lawns were still wet from the night's rain...

-

'Yesterday, the most unexpected, amazing thing happened to me. She came here to see me. And more surprisingly, while I thought I wouldn't want to hear from, speak to, or... or see her ever again, while I thought I'd be bitter and, well, basically hold a grudge against her for walking out on me the way she did, surprise and sheer happiness took over. It - you know... it was an amazing feeling, overwhelming. In a split second I realized just how much I'd missed her, how much – how much I'd longed for that moment when I saw her again for the first time in two years, and just... how much none of the pain she caused mattered anymore. What mattered – matters, is that she's here now, and she needs me and I need her and I know we'll be there for each other. It's not even a decision I had to make, it's instinct. *She* comes first, then me... I know this sounds crazy, but – while she may be the reason I am standing here today, she is going to be a big factor in whether I'll be going home in three weeks, and... I know I will.'

The others applauded and he called some other guy to the platform. He went back to his chair and pondered over all those things he just said. He meant every single word, but was still amazed at what he just told the whole room. He didn't really know what his feelings were until he spoke them, and they rang *so* true. He couldn't wait till the session was over. Three other people spoke and he didn't listen to them more than their predecessors. The session finally ended and John strode toward the elevator faster than per usual, as he was eager to see Anna.

-

He found her sitting by the window again. She hadn't heard him come in.

'You know, there's only so much that will keep you entertained'

'You're back!' She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve and looked at him. 'So how was it?'

'You cried! What happened?' He asked seeing her bloodshot eyes.

'Nothing, I...' He gave her a look that said he knew. She got up and sighed in defeat 'I think I may be having another depression, I...I can't help it, I just cry for no apparent reason, I...' She spoke faster and felt more tears coming to her eyes. John walked up to her

'Shhh' He was so sorry and didn't know what to say. He wished he'd been in a more stable place so he could help her, but for the time being, all he could do was walk up to her and hug her tight, stroking her hair. 'Shhh – it's gonna be alright, shhh'.

She sobbed quietly on his shoulder and he rubbed her back as if to heal the pain inside. And then he slowly made his way to her ribs and started tickling them through her shirt. She stopped sobbing to let out a chuckle. 'No!' But he kept on. 'Carter, stop it!' she laughed again. 'Cut it out!' she managed in between laughs. But he played deaf and went on, till she pulled him onto the bed and started tickling him too. And there they were, like two young kids, laughing like crazy in the middle of the morning.

--

give me a smile

things aren't too bad, are they?

gonna take a while

but we can get this right some way

so dry your eyes and

wipe those tears away

cause baby you're mine and

that's the way it's gonna stay

i'm in your life

i'm in your life

i'm in your life

i'm in your life...

-- 

They paused for a moment, out of breath, and lay on their backs staring at the ceiling. They remained in silence for a moment, before Anna looked at him and asked hesitantly 'We're gonna be alright…right?'

John turned his head to face her and spoke reassuringly. 'We're gonna be alright.' Then he just smiled his beautiful smile that showed just how much he believed in his words. And that's all Anna needed to know. He took her hand in his as if to reinforce his genuineness. 'I promise'.

'Thankyou' she held on tighter to his hand and kept hold of it for a long time, finally feeling safe again. Like her life had found a new meaning…

--

you could try and get out of here

until you forgot 

but baby I'll still be here

and whether you like it or not

i'm in your life

i'm in your life

i'm in your life

i'm in your life...

--

* * *

Okay now, I've written a conclusion to this story, but if you like this can very well be considered an end to the story. 

So… THE END (or not! J )


	5. Default Chapter Title

-The reason I survive - JC/AD

TIMELINE: Post season 6.

FEEDBACK: I'd love to get feedback. Criticism, advice, praiseg … This is my first real ER fic, so, I'd love to know what you think. So…please review! J

DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd like to, I don't own any of the mentioned characters. They are the property of Michael Crichton, John Wells, Jack Orman, Warner Brothers, Amblin Entertainment, NBC… and pretty much everyone besides me. =(

PART 5 (CONCLUSION)

With tears in his eyes, John was watching her sleep, looking exhausted on that hospital bed. He was sitting at her side, stroking her hair gently with one hand and holding hers with the other. And each time he took his eyes off of her sweet, tired face to glance across the room, it was one more tear forming and threatening to set free the thousand others that were now gathered, on the edge of falling. He couldn't remember a time he'd felt so much emotion as this morning when he rushed her over to County, as her condition was getting more and more urgent. He knew this was going to happen, and was prepared for it, but it still came as a shock as the reality of it all dawned on him, and he still couldn't quite believe it was all actually happening. 

He'd been literally stunned when she showed up in Atlanta three years earlier, but this was so much bigger of an event. And so much had happened in those three years! They'd finally been able to sort things out in the end, and had helped each other put their lives together a great deal, which they were both so grateful for Anna moved back to Chicago. Not that she'd even considered going back to Philadelphia, but the invitation had been welcome. By, if we may say so, "chance", the paeds attending at County, Cleo Finch, had been run over by a red double-decked bus while on a trip to England and Anna was offered the job. And even though she took an apartment of her own in the beginning, she knew full well it wasn't for long. Those three weeks had awakened old feelings that, if somewhat faded, had not completely died away. And soon they were renewed, as John and her spent virtually *every* second of the day together and couldn't bear being apart at all anymore. She moved in with him, and soon they got engaged. The wedding ceremony that took place six months later was gorgeous, and everyone was there. Susan Lewis had made the trip from Phoenix, and the Ross family had flown all the way from Seattle. (And then they moved back in IL, but that's a different story.) The dance, instead of a "plain" wedding ball, had been a great reunion of the County staff past and present, and it had been for a long, long time, the main topic of conversation all over the ER, courtesy of, who else, the nursing staff. 

The Carters' glasses had never been so full and everyday they were thankful for the blessing they were to one another. They enjoyed everything about living together. And if they'd been the best friends in the past, they were now the best lovers. It made no doubt whatsoever in anyone's mind these two would grow old together. And then, just as routine was starting to settle in, they learnt the news that would dramatically change both of their lives forever. They'd definitely not seen it coming and didn't really know how to handle the situation at first, but little by little they got used to the idea. Although Anna would be the one to bear the consequences, John's involvement in the matter was indisputable and he was, at least, as nervous as she. He'd been fearing this day, and waiting for it all the while. 

So, as he came rushing to the hospital, pushing Anna on a wheelchair, Benton had seen just how nervous he was and ordered him to wait in the lounge, his friends and colleagues would take over. Since he trusted them just enough to leave his wife in their hands, he obliged. That was the last he saw of her awake, and the last 'I love you' he'd murmured to her ear. Then a couple hours later Carol came to tell him he could see her. And there he was, just sitting by the bed waiting for her to wake up, with the fear that she never would. As a doctor he thought he knew she would, but he couldn't help but worry. He'd been there four whole hours and she still hadn't awoken. She had feebly stirred once but that didn't wake her. And he didn't want to trouble her sleep, she deserved it, after all she'd been through these past months.

Peter, and Doug, and Mark, and Dave, Luka, Carol, Haleh… they'd all come to check on him some time or another. 'Want something to eat Carter?' 'You should get some sleep, kid' 'Everything okay, man?' he'd had them all. But the only question he hadn't been able to answer any of the billion times he'd been asked it was 'How is she?'. 'Don't know' he'd always say, never looking into his interlocutor's eyes so they wouldn't see the worry in his. Usually the question that followed was 'How about you?', then he would just shrug and say he was fine. And he was, but six hours was a long time and he missed her. He took a quick glance accross the room again. Them.

All of a sudden the door slid open, and John heard someone come in.

'Still asleep?' This was Doug's voice. 

'Yeah…' Carter sighed, not looking up from Anna. Changing topics, he enquired 'It's past the visits time, how'd d'you get in?'

Doug just shrugged. 'Eh, well… I just nicked a scrub top from the supply room when Kerry wasn't looking and then she was so worn out she didn't realize I quit four years ago when she passed me in a hall. You can tell just how much I'm missed 'round here.' He grinned slightly but John's eyes were still glued to the bed at the center of the room.

'Thanks for going to so much trouble…' said Carter absent-mindedly.

'Anyway,' uttered Doug suddenly after a short silence 'I think this little thing here belongs to you'

John was forced to look up at the older man and noticed he was lulling a newborn in his arms. He leapt up and Doug couldn't help the comment 'I was starting to think you'd never notice!' John walked up to Doug and was instantly mesmerized by the sight of the little being in Doug's arms. The doors swung open again and Mark and Dave came in.

'Dave!'

'No way-ay! That kid, is a Mark!'

'Now, now, you're talking crazy buddy. Don't you see? He got "Little Dougie" written all over his face…'

'Oh, yeah?'

All John could hear was an irrelevant bickering. All he could see was a tiny little baby, face all pink, staring right back at him with his big round brown eyes.

'Is… Is this…' John stuttered softly.

The bickering stopped. 'Sorry, you were saying?'

'Is this… is this mine? Can- Can I?' He opened his arms to receive the youngest of them all.

'All yours, man' Doug gently placed the child against his father's chest.

It became too much and two tears rolled down John's cheeks.

'Congratulations, Carter!'

'Hm-mm' came John's only response with a nod of the head.

'Woah! Can't believe you're a dad!'

'Hm-mm'

'So, now tell me, you're gonna name it Doug, aren't you?'

'Hm-mm'

'Hey!!' riposted Dave and Mark in unison.

And still Carter was blatantly ignoring his surroundings, focusing his only attention to his son.

'Hello everyone' 

The familiar voice made John snap out of his wonderment and rush over to Anna's side, still carefully holding the little treasure. 

'Hey…' he said with a smile from ear to ear.

'Maybe we should go?' suggested Mark to Doug and Dave. And so they were out, leaving the family alone.

'Here, there he is…' John handed their child to Anna, who collapsed into tears of joy. She looked up at her husband and kissed him then looked him in the eyes 'I love you'. She then looked back down at the baby 'And I love you too…'

John looked again at the chart hanging from the incubator by the bed that read "Baby Carter" at the top. 'You know, we've got to find a name for that little fella…'

'Bobby.'

'As in…' John was genuinely surprised. He didn't even know she remembered he'd had a brother, and was hence deeply touched by the suggestion.

'Yes.'

He smiled at her again and whispered softly in turn 'I love you so much!' before they fell into a long kiss only broken by the loud wail of a hungry Robert Carter, III.

--

* * *

THE END

* * *

Well, that's it! Hope you enjoyed - please review! I can even take the bad stuff as long as it's not abusive, so… please go ahead! J


End file.
